This Thursday (1 day late oops) I have decided to share a poem I wrote on Tuesday, May 27th of this year. I was down in the dumps when it was written:
Nicotine stained spit rags
wipe up what's left of the battle
the dead are gone and the wounded remain
and the stained rag wipes on
It blotches and taints the blonde trees red
and the fingers of God along with them
so the wounded still lay in wait
as the silver soldier returns
The sweltering heat reveals more lost battles
and the fossilized footprint of the silver soldier
the tint of the ground is different there
where the rag, most menacing, had been
The battle can't be seen by those who care
only the eyes that had been there before
there were more battle plans for the soldier and the rag
for the terrains lifespan of 100 years
Looking back at this poem, I saw that it was hard to understand. I plan to make a few changes to it in the future. If you wish to ask me questions about it, comment on the post.
I like this poem and believe it has tremendous potential. Try working with it to spark up the images a bit - remove words like there, for instance, and enhance the notion of whatever the silver soldier is by layering a bit more description onto it. Make it a little more poetic by removing aspects of grammar (prose-like constructions, such as sentences). Also, try to write a few more stanzas, and see what comes up. Then select the best collections of lines, and try to tie them together so they have a reveal of some sort, a hinge at the end, a twist which opens our eyes and ears to a new understanding. It is worth it.
ReplyDeleteI'm particularly fond of this line: It blotches and taints the blonde trees red
Here is an example of the first stanza slightly altered:
Nicotine-stained spit rags
wipe up what's left of the battle.
The dead are gone, the wounded remain
so the dirty rag scrubs on.
Notice I altered only the basic construction, actually adding more prosaic touches like punctuation, and then substituting other words so as to avoid too much repetition. This is just one way to approach this poem, of course - you are free to do whatever you wish as it is your vision.
Great posts - keep them up!!!!